One hander jokes and other funnies.

Every family has their favorite jokes. Many in our family involve Mom.
"She can pick up soap with her toes", cutting the cake story, Reader's Digest - Page 35, ha ha etc.

Well, I've been gathering a chapter with one handed funnies. Not really jokes but funny things (at least I think they are funny)

I was eating my breakfast this morning and thinking about my shower I just had. That is an experience! For some reason I remembered the joke about two miners who came out of the mine, one with a dirty face. The question is "Which one goes and washes his face?" Answer the one with the clean face.

That made me wonder, if you can only use your right hand, which arm isn't very clean? Got the answer?

Why are my eye glasses so dirty? It is as hard as washing your hands.

How many "odd" features have you found on your computer by typing one handed? I have lots because I typed incorrectly and didn't have the foggiest idea what you really typed. Now if I knew what I typed, I might have learned something.

Why did the one handed person cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.

How do you get a one handed blonde out of a tree? Wave.

However, this morning my grandson offered the best one. Actually, he cracked himself up. My daughter came inside laughing too. She explained she told him to come inside and ask Grandma and Grandpa if we would like to go to Ikea for lunch. That is one of their favorite places. They have a fun place to play with an area full of balls where you can run and jump in the middle of all the balls. One of the best things about Ikea.

Well, what cracked him up: "Can Grandma play in the balls with her splint?" Apparently the mental picture was very funny to him. Actually, I started to laugh too.

I admit, this is one of those "you have to be there" jokes. However, it made my day!

Now we are off to DC on the train so we can see the Red Sox play the Nationals on my husband's birthday. Go Sox!

B


www.bevsjewelry.com and www.bevsjewelry.1000markets.com

Good blog and a joke

I don't usually post on the weekends but a friend told me about a blog with some beautiful pictures. I just had to share it with you.

http://robinsnestingplace.blogspot.com/

Then this morning another friend sent me a joke that still has me laughing and I thought I'd share that too.

One day the old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.. So, off he goes, but the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.


The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.


The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!


Now, the old German Shepherd sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says... 'Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!


Moral of this story....

Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged.'

B

Jokes (my Laptop is broken) ;-(

My laptop is still out of commission (3rd day) Yuck. So, I'm passing along a neat email I received this morning. Hope you enjoy the humor. B


HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade which fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to dough basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A doctor fell into the well and broke his collar bone.This should teach the doctor to tend the sick And leave the well alone!

One of these reminded me of my Grandmother's favorite:
A lady offered to bring two pies to a social and said she would label them. Two pies arrived both marked "TM" When asked about it, the lady said "One was T'is Mince and one T'aint Mince.

Hopefully I'll have my computer by Monday. ;-)

B